Wednesday, March 26, 2008

NHL Network Commercials

Two weeks ago I finally gave in and paid a couple extra bucks a month for the NHL Network. It's become obvious to me that I should've done it a WHILE ago. Sportscenter and ESPN pretty much NEVER show anything about hockey. But the best part of the NHL network isn't even the highlights and analysis of the sport. It's their HILARIOUS commercials! Here's some of my favorites:

"Giving 110%"

In case you can't follow here's the dialogue of a hockey head coach talking to his players about (aboot) effort:

Alright, listen up
Today, I wanna talk about giving 110%
Giving 100% means giving everything ya got.
Giving 110% means giving 10% more than is humanly possible.
If we're gonna win as a team, we need 100% of you guys giving 110% 100% of the time.
If only 50% of you guys give 110% and 50% of you guys give 100%
I guarantee you 100% we'd only win 50% of our games

Suppose 75% of 110% gave only 50%
And 50% of the 100% gave 25%
And 75% of 110% were not feeling 100%
...then we'd be in a heap of trouble
That's why we need 100% of you guys giving 110% 100% of the time.
Ok. Let's go out and play some HOCKEY!

The goal in hockey is to score a lot of goals
Soccer, is played on a field, where you score goals
Field Goals are what you score in basketball when you go on a run.
Runs are what you score in baseball, which is played on a field
Field Goals are also scored in football when you can't score a touchdown which is the main goal
So, If you score a lot of goals in hockey you've achieved your goal of scoring a lot goals and THAT'S your main goal.
Ok. Let's hit the showers!

Why'd we lose?
Uh, well I thought we shot the lights out in the first 2 periods.
Uh, in the 3rd period we just couldn't uh
Put the biscuit in the basket
Ya know, uh, we just couldn't put the stuffing in the turkey
Or we couldn't even put the turkey in the oven
Uh, We couldn't put the car in the garage
We couldn't put the train in the station
Uh, we couldn't put the rod in the water
the lightning in a bottle.
Uh, the cat in the hat
I mean that's really why we lost tonight,
We couldn't put the cat in the hat.
The Blue Line:

Ok, listen up
Our blue line is our last line of defence
And our defensemen line up on the blue line
That's where they draw a line in the sand
But you can't draw a line in the sand in hockey
The blue line is drawn on the ice, not in the sand
But if you don't draw a line in the sand
As our last line of defense on the blueline then you'll flatline
And if you flat line on the blue line you'll make headlines
And I ain't lyin.
Ok, lets hit the showers.

The Neutral Zone:

Alright, Bring it in!
Alright, we have to improve our play in the neutral zone.
It's called the neutral zone because it's not the other team's zone
It's not our zone…it's neutral
Switzerland was neutral during world war II
And the Swiss are very fanatical
about their timing…and their precision…and their cheese.
We have to be more like the Swiss
And improve our timing in the neutral zone
And be more precise with our passes
And not have so many holes…
Like Swiss Cheese
The more we play like the Swiss in the neutral zone
The more neutral we will be
And I am very precise about that
OK…Lets go out and play some HOCKEY!
We're Behind You

Alright, listen up
As a goalie, you have to believe
the guys in front of you are behind you
Because if they're not behind you,
Then they're in front of you.
And if they're in front of you
Without being behind you
Then you might as well be alone out here
with nobody in front of you
Now sometimes the guys in front of you
will GO behind you
but if they go behind you without being behind you
then you're in a heap of trouble.
Believe me
Ok. Let's hit the showers!

Alright, I know what you're thinking
You're thinking…why isn't our sport called Puckey?
Instead of Hockey
I mean after all...all the other major sports
Are named after the objects that are used in them.
football after the football
baseball after the baseball
tennis after the…tennis
but for some reason our sport is not named after the puck
Logic says it should be called puckey
But its not, its called hockey
There's a reason for that
The reason is…is because
When our native aboriginals who invented this game on a cold frozen pond one day
They…they were playing and and this hawk flew down and grabbed the puck in it's beak
and flew back to its nest and ate it
And they went back to their tee-pee's and
they told their elders what happened
And that became what is now today the modern vernacular
Ok…Lets hit the showers!
Can't find the video for this one, which sucks because this is my favorite...

Alright, today I wanna talk about our defense
the best defense is an offense
the best offense is a defense
the reason why offense is the best defense is because
in hockey the team that scores the most, wins
And if our offense outscores their offense
they'll be defenseless
Their defense might be able to stop our offense
But it can't stop our defense
Because when we're on defense they have to be on offense
and if we have an offensive minded defense
There's no way they can defend us
Now I don't mean to be defensive
But some of you may find this offensive
we're gonna call our defense our offense
and our offense our defense
that way we'll remember to use our
defense as an offense
and our offense as a defense against their offense
And that'll totally confuse them
Ok, lets go out and play some hockey!


Peter said...

hey, in case you were still looking for that last vid, its here

Justin said...

There is a new one that I just saw last night:
3/8/09 when the Coach talks about NHL injuries. You should try to find it! It is really funny!