The J-Blog: So...haven't heard from you in a while, what have you been up to?
JZ: Well, I've been working on my new album, "The Blueprint³" which should be coming out sometime in September.
TJB: Album? Wait...I think we've got the wrong guy. You're Jay-Z. No one cares about you around here.
TJB: J!!!! What's up???
J: That guy is always trying to steal my identity.
TJB: What have you been up to? Haven't heard from you in a while, your blog has been pretty empty.
J: I know, I know...I've got no excuse.
TJB: I hear you've been doing a bit of traveling so far this year?
J: Yeah, I guess I have. I started out 2009 by going to Jacksonville for a few days for a wedding, went on a ski trip to Winter Park, CO in February, a surprise trip to DC for my sisters 30th in March and a trip to New Jersey this past weekend.
TJB: And you didn't feel like blogging about any of that?
J: Back off!
TJB: Alright! Fine, douchebag!
J: You're a douchebag.
TJB: We know. So any accomplishments so far in 2009?
J: Well, obviously what might be my biggest accomplishment so far in my life is last Tuesday in kickball I hit (kicked?) 2 home runs in consecutive at bats.
TJB: Wow! Has that ever been done before?
J: I doubt it.
TJB: Tell us about it.
J: Well, actually the first one was somewhat unexpected. I had an 0-3 count (you get 4 strikes in kickball) and I knew I had to keep the next one in fair territory. So far this season I was 5-5 by keeping the ball on the ground, but I noticed the right and right center fielders were disrespecting me by playing pretty shallow. So I kicked it over their heads and ran my ass off before my traditional belly flop as I crossed home plate! I was DONE! I'm not built to run like that...or at all.
J: Fuck you!
TJB: So tell me about the 2nd home run.
J: It was pretty similar, the outfielders were pretty shallow. We had a pretty comfortable lead, so I just gave it all I had. I kinda thought this one was gonna be caught but once I got to first and it wound up past the outfielders I just thought, oh shit, not again! But I took off and did another traditional belly flop.
TJB: Is it safe to assume those were your first two career homers?
J: Fuck off.
TJB: Traditional...LOL. So, seriously, a couple of fly balls in kickball has been your biggest accomplishment so far?
J: Well, it's not official yet, but I run in my first ever 5k on Saturday!
TJB: Run? really?
J: Ok, so I'll probably be walking half of it, but its a start.
TJB: What made you decide to do this? Your a lazy fat ass!
J: I know, but, I decided it may be time to work on that. In January at work there was a 12 week weight loss competition, and I decided to give it a shot with running this 5k as a goal, after all it's the Sweetwater 420 Fest 5k!"
TJB: Have you been training for that?
J: Well, I've ran an almost 5k on my own twice.
TJB: Twice? I guess you didn't win this challenge.
J: Ha! No. I did finish 5th though.
TJB: So only 5 people signed up?
J: Fuck You.
TJB: Chill out, that was too easy, I had to.
J: Yeah I know.
TJB: So you finished 5th, I guess running twice wasn't your big secret?
J: Yeah I can't claim that I guess. To be honest, I've been eating a little better and I bought a Wii Fit is what did it for me.
TJB: Seriously, you're gonna claim a video game helped you lose weight?
J: No shit man. There's stuff you can do on there that will make you sweat. Specifically the rhythm boxing.
TJB: So how was skiing?
J: It was pretty exhausting. The altitude really got the best of me. I spent most of my time with Ryan and Nikki at a bar by the ski slopes.
J: She was our server every time! She was awesome!
TJB: Do anything else while you were out there?
J: I did get to cross the Pepsi Center off my list of stadiums I've been to. Me, Matt and Ryan went to a Montreal Canadiens vs. Colorado Avalanche game.
TJB: What did you think?
J: I've gotta say...I wasn't impressed. Philips Arena is soooo much better. Besides the hockey (the Thrashers wound up finishing with a better record than the Avs), the environment, the PA announcer, the entertainment during stoppages was all...boring. The folks at Philips put on a much better show. I had no idea, but I've been spoiled by going to Thrashers games!
TJB: I'm bored, what else?
J: After that trip was a surprise visit to DC for my sisters' 30th birthday.
TJB: So you actually made it up there without her knowing?
J: I did. She was suspicious that my parents were gonna be there, they showed up Friday night, I flew up Saturday morning while she was on an all day wine tasting tour. When she got home, I hid downstairs, then my dad called her to come down and I snuck out and back in upstairs. Then I just hung out on her couch until she came back up. Got her!
TJB: Not bad.
J: Yeah, she's off to a pretty good start in her 30's. A couple weeks later she managed to win my March Madness Pool. Out of 95 entries, she was the first to turn one in and nailed it. I actually had to give her $600!!!!! I held out as long as I could but I needed her help to finish up my taxes :)
TJB: Aren't you an accountant? You can't do your own taxes?
J: I'll leave. I'll leave right now.
TJB: You won't. So what else? How's passover treatin ya?
J: Passover isn't my favorite holiday, but good things definitely come of it. For the most part it turns into a big family reunion every year. And the bigger tradition is going to White Castle. I flew in before Passover began and met up with my Uncle David and Cousin Josh at Newark and we made our way to the family beach(less) house in Manahawkin, NJ. We picked out a White Castle and headed right for it. I don't know what it is, but those things are so much better than Krystals burgers. Between the 3 of us, we easily finished 20 burgers. We knew that some others we would be meeting would want some, so we got back on the road with a plan to stop at another one as we got closer. And we did. Another order of 20, unfortunately we overestimated this time and most went to waste, but it made the car ride smell good!!!! We even made another trip back after passover started, but because I can't have bread, I made due without. Without the bread that is. Wrapped the burgers with a few fries in the middle. Delish!!!!!
TJB: I think there's something seriously wrong with you
J: yeah, yeah, I think its because there's not a White Castle anywhere near Atlanta, just makes em taste better. So other than White Castle trips, I got to spend a lot of time with the family which is always fun. There's always drama, but I'll save that for when TMZ comes callin me. Amongst other things, I've become a dominant Wii Bowler now. Thanks Scott!
TJB: So we're just about caught up, right? Any other highlights so far?
J: Well, I actually read a book.
TJB: No. Seriously. I mean something YOU did.
TJB: There's no need to make shit up, we both know no one's reading this.
J: It's true. Not exactly my proudest accomplishment, but I read Chelsea Handler's My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands. She's a comedian, and a jew. Turns out she was quite the whore. But she was really funny in telling about her adventures. So I read the book over my 2 plane rides in the past week. And now I'm planning on getting my hands on her other book, Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea (which was actually #1 on the NY Times best seller list for a while). So I'll give it a shot. No promises. I'm not gonna become an avid reader. My TV's too big and beautiful for that :)
TJB: Reading a book is definitely an accomplishment for you.
J: Considering I'm still on the July 2008 Maxim...hell yeah!
TJB: Alright I don't like where this is going, we need to rap it up. Any important last words?
J: I have not and never have liked fish sticks (or Kanye West)